Welcome to 1984

I think we are in a dystopia. Though the word means an imaginary place where everything is bad, this is not in our imagination. It is real.

Can you remember the last time someone said “America is the land of the free” and meant it? 1984 is a novel set in a world where people have no individual identity and are not allowed to love who they want.

I know that feeling. I have been living in 1984 for a decade. The tragedy for me is that limiting the freedom to love, limits self love. I have been watching this unfold and screaming for someone to see that one person loses their freedom to love, we all do.

This progression to limiting our individual identity did not just start when POTUS 45 was elected, the current President of the United States. It has been building and it is terrifying.

It has been I think promulgated from within the United States and from without. We now have class structures of rich versus poor and elite versus the working class. We are sliding back to the systems of Britain where who you are by birth and how much money you have determines your school and your career.

Yet is that what America is about? I thought I had the right to be myself. I had the right to work to be better than the prior generation. It did not matter what my parents believed in. It did not matter how smart they were or what they chose to do with their life. Yet it seems even though my intelligence is higher than many, I have no right to say this is who I am and this is why I am here. It is limited by what my family who I do not even like wants and what others born into elitists groups have decided. Even those who are left and elite are a bit hypocritical. I am not a jew or famous or good enough. I am not being judged by my credentials because only the known can be real. We are all reduced to fake news unless those with power give us the right to be heard.

My life has been ruined by my own blood relatives who do not even know me, thinking I would be better with good people like themselves, when I have always felt I was a better person and driven to do better things. To put it bluntly I was born into a Republican family,yet I have Democratic values and I am being forced to give up my goals because I do not deserve to exist. I am less then everyone. I am nothing and as my father recently has expressed, I have failed life.

I received three degrees by the time I was thirty and I have failed life. To me though the real failure is losing my capacity to be myself and fight for my dreams. It is as if all of a sudden what I want does not matter. What I love does not matter. What I know is best for me is irrelevant.

My life is not my own. I am a part of a machine and I must contribute to that machine. I am to be useful. I am not allowed to think for myself. I have to have a schedule or I am insane. I have to want material things and so those material things get shoved into my face and I am living to work for those things. Think about that. Do we decide the actors and the products we want, or are they chosen by money and those with power?

Forget about my spirit. Forget about my identity. Forget about my personality. I am to be erased and ignored and forgotten. I am to evolve into Kafka’s cockroach or I will be obliterated. I am a woman and therefor I am only of value to men if I serve their needs and for get about what I want. My father said that allot to me. “We do not always get what we want.” My response was “I have never really gotten what I wanted.” What I should have said is “I finally was on the road to being happy and having what I wanted, and you needed to take it away because it was not what you wanted for me.” I am to never have what I want because I am to never be my own person and be free.

I must get married and to whom ever who wants me and is available for me. I can not improve my station in life. I am part of a now secret chaste system. What I earned can be taken from me if I was not born into the right family or went to the right school. What I trained to do with my passion, does not matter, for I am to be reduced to doing what society wants. Irony the powers that be that for decades acted terrified of Socialism have created their own Corporate version. The Party Leader is green.

Special people get to make history and there is a special committee that decides who gets to be successful and who gets to serve them. Forget about unions for only the union memberships get to decide who gets to work and who gets to join. The staff and officers of the unions chose who get to be hired and fired now. There is no working hard and over coming for if you are not born into the right family or group, you have no hope.

I have slipped into the fictional world of a dystopia and yet I am living it. I earned a Union card. I am SAG AFTRA. I worked for a theater degree, Masters in Performing Arts, and I have a certificate from the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, and a certificate from Santa Monica College in Digital Media. I would also have a certificate in Film Production, but I apparently was rising above my station in life. I am not rich and I did not go to an ivy league school and do not have super famous friends, so I am not allowed to be on sets. I was molested to by a guy whose wife went to my college. My being an honor student and earning two degrees in four years while working two part time jobs, aside, I am still not worthy.

I have been labelled crazy now and in the process it has made me mentally ill. I do not want to talk to people. I find myself so disassociated from my reality I like to talk to myself to get the anger and rage out. I keep going over and over in my head the dreams I had and the plans. I was going to build an acting career, while also leaning to edit and write. I wanted to edit shorts because I felt that would give me the flexibility to find small roles in projects to help build a reputation at being good, so that I could eventually maybe be lucky to get bigger more interesting and challenging things. I had student debt but I figured if I could find a way to make $40000 a year than I would be fine and I as I built my reputation up I would hopefully make more than that. I wanted control of my own life, and not others. I wanted to be able to chose what I did, so I could live with myself and sleep at night.

What I discovered is that people bigger than me had my life planned. I was to be forced to go do comedy. I was to be made scary so people would think I was crazy and lying about being molested. I was tripped on a set and then informed indirectly that I caused the accident to sue. I had to give up acting so I could marry someone not an actor because men needed me to have kids with and to take care of them. I am very sick and it takes allot of energy for me to eat right and be camera ready, but that does not matter because I have to marry a man not for love, but money. If he thinks I look Ok and likes me that is fine, but forget about me feeling good about me or wanting to clean up my life to work at acting. I had to clean up my life so I could run a man’s house and be his housewife. I can date film makers, but that way I can be a whore. I can only get cast if I marry crew people because the only way I would be allowed on sets is if I am attached to a man who can make sure I do not go sleep with another 18 year old. Yeah, that is something I did in 2003 and I have not been with anyone since 2006, but does not matter. I am a woman and therefor I am a witch and have no rights to passion or lust or love or free will.

I wanted to be in the industry so bad that I invested in computer programs and a beat up camera. I worked hard taking classes and when the industry dropped Final Cut as their editing program of choice after Apple decided to revamp it into Final Cut X, I worked to get Santa Monica College to let me retake the classes to prove I could do Avid and Premiere Pro.

I filed an action against people in the industry for blacklisting me in 2014, and within six months my school started trying to falsify reasons to have me expelled. A twitter troll started attacking me and told me they would use the police to have me removed from school. This troll said they would buy my building and have me kicked out. Not long after that, my rent started being raised.

Then I found that My life was being inundated with POTUS 45 supporters and I was getting passive aggressive abuse. Black men who loved God following me on Instagram over and over. My troll got upset when I rejected men on twitter, especially if black. This troll said I had white privilege. I did not grow up in Beverly Hills or go to an IVY league school. I achieved many things and had really good internships because I was exceptionally capable and smart.

I am an intelligent self aware adult. It is not acceptable to tell me that I need to leave Los Angeles. It is not acceptable to tell me I can not be with the SAG AFTRA membership unless I go out and make money to produce my own work and without the support of fellow members, because I have been labelled unworthy and unfit to be in the same room with the membership. NO one can represent my voice. It is mine. So I guess if I produce anything it has to be nonunion because I am not going to watch the SAG AFTRA lessons in producing and find a bunch of non union people to work with me and then have to make money to produce the project, when without named people no one would invest in anything I did, right SAG AFTRA. I mean the point is to make sure I fail for my family and to GOP and who ever my twitter troll is.

I am not of the right genetic stock right? I am not a zionist? I did not vote for our current President? I am a woman and therefor I have to have a man with me or I might go crazy and try to seduce every available celebrity I meet at SAG AFTRA. I have news for the UNION. I have met more celebrities just walking around California, than I have at the UNION. I seem to have a knack for running into well known actors on the Metro too. But I need to be seen with the UNION to fix all the damage you have done to me and my reputation. You killed any hope of me having an acting career and left me with nothing to enjoy. I do not want to edit shorts if I also can not build a career acting. I do not want to go to the movies and worship the GODS of acting if I am not worthy of going to AFI and taking classes.

Anyone who has read this far figured out that they really destroyed my life and for what? Rumors? Politics? Delusions the world would come to an end if I found a way to be a working actor despite not looking like a sex object. To make money in Hollywood, you have to get to know and work with people with credibility, and that means known people. I worked for my union card and I was a professional. What you have done and limited my future in the industry and killed it and there is nothing else I want to live for. I am sorry but to the actors who demand I do other things, really. So I guess you are the designated “Ministry of Love” and you want to make sure I am raped of my dreams and my hope and everything I have worked for. I created ARTISTIC HOPE to do something to make the world better and also to finally have a voice. I am sick of being silenced. I am sick of being BABY in the CORNER. I am sick of being labelled mentally ill because my California Standards I am not sexy enough to be an actor. WAKE UP. There ware women who are known who are not SEXY at all. You enablers of misogyny.

I have nothing to dream about. I have no right to say who I am and I am an actor. I am SAG AFTRA. I am not just an extra. You put me in hell. Shonda Rhimes, so did your company and who ever has been attacking me on Twitter since I filled with the NLRB in 2014.